The Weakest Smeg
by Lynn Luther
Summary: Well, somebody asked for it. Never let it be said that I don't give my fans what they want. ;-)


_**Author's Note:** Well, somebody asked for a Red Dwarf Weakest Link spoof. Don't ask me why. That woman who hosts is scary beyond all reason. _

None of these people belong to me. I just borrow them for a bit, and put them back, odometers reading just the same because I drive them home backwards. ;-) 



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_*A poorly lit soundstage, with podiums in a semi-circular layout. In the center of this is another podium. This is where the host, Anne Baskin-Robins, dishes out her particular brand of abuse.*_

"Hello, I'm Anne, and this is The _Weak_est Link, a game show designed to show the average veiwer how totally incompetent they are compared to me. 

"Tonight's collection of human sputum is here from the deepest reaches of space, which is, ironically enough, exactly what is between their ears. The crew of the Red Dwarf!" 

_*Cut to a panning shot of Lister, Rimmer, Kochanski, Kryten, The Cat, "Nicey" Ackerman, Captain Frank Hollister and Nirvanah Crane. Lister waves at the camera childishly, while Rimmer rolls his eyes.*_

"Ok, you worthless piles of refuse from a home for the permanently addled, it's time to play... _Weak_estlink!" 

*Dramatic swooping music.* 

"The first round is one minute and thirty seconds long, which is almost but not enough time to answer the ridiculously easy questions and make your combined goal of $10,000. At the end of the round, you will all vote for the _Weak_est link. Start the clock." 

*Bling bling* 

"And we're off. Lister, who was the first man on the moon?" 

"Uh... Buzz Aldrin?" 

"NO! Rimmer, when did the Beatles appear on the Ed Sullivan show?" 

_*A pause*_

"1964?" 

"Yes. Kochanski..." 

"Bank!" 

"Who was the inventor of the potato chip?" 

"George Washington Carver?" 

"NO! Kryten, what is the square root of four?" 

"Two." 

"Yes. Cat, when was the first Acadamy Awards show to be televised?" 

"Uh... uh... I don't know." 

"Big smegging surprise there. Ackerman, who played the female lead in _Gone With The Wind?_" 

"Scarlett O'Hara." 

"We were looking for the actress who played her. NO! Frank, what do you get when you mix an acid with a base?" 

"Water." 

"Yes. Nirvanah..." 

"BANK!" 

"When did the first episode of _Friends_ air?" 

"What? Uh... 1993?" 

"NO! Lister, who wrote the song, 'Ana Ng?'" 

"They Might Be Giants!" 

"Yes. Rimmer, which soda pop wouldn't you rather be like too?" 

"Huh? Wouldn't you rather be... Dr. Pepper!" 

"Yes. Kochanski, who wrote the song 'Rhapsody in Blue?'" 

"Ira Gershwin." 

"Yes. Kryten, where is the Space Needle located?" 

"Seattle!" 

"Yes. Cat, who was the voice actor who played Bugs Bunny?" 

"Uh... Um... Harry Potter?" 

"NO!" 

_*Groans from the audience, as the Cat just blew a really good chain.*_

"Ackerman..." 

_*The clock runs out. More dramatic music and lighting cues.*_

"So. Who's garbage cannon wasn't fully loaded?" 

_*Nervous chuckle from the audience.*_

"We'll find out when we come back to... The _Weak_est Link!" 

_*Cut to commercial break.*_

**********

"Do you ever feel... less than fresh, mom?" 

**********

"Hey! That's my cab! You wanna share the cab? You work in mutual funds?" 

**********

"And going and going and going..." 

**********

"Taste tests prove..." 



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"Tonight on a very special episode of "The Left Wing..." 



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Announcer: Welcome back to the Weakest Link. In the last round, Rimmer was the strongest link statistically, while the Cat was the weakest link. But did the other contestants notice? 

"Mr. Rimmer!" 

_*Rimmer gulps quite audibly*_ "Yes, Anne?" 

"I understand that you failed your exams thirteen times. Is that true?" 

"Well, yes, but..." 

"So you're stupid as well as incompetent?" 

"I wouldn't put the emphasis on incompetent..." 

"But you would put it on stupid? Well, let's see who's bazookoid was loaded with blanks. Lister? Who did you vote for?" 

"I voted for Rimmer." 

"You jammy goit!" 

"Why, Lister?" 

"Because he's a smeghead." 

"Very astute, Lister. Rimmer? Your vote?" 

"I voted for the Cat. Stupid Moggie broke the chain." 

"Kochanski?" 

"I also voted for the Cat." 

"Kryten?" 

"Rimmer." 

"You plastic bastard!" 

"Cat?" 

"I voted for Trans-Am nostrils. That suit shouldn't be on camera!" 

"I'll get you for this, Cat..." 

"Ackerman?" 

"Rimmer." 

"Hollister?" 

"Rimmer." 

"Nirvanah?" 

"I'm sorry, Rimmer. I voted for you too." 

_*Rimmer stands like a fish, his mouth opening and closing in an apopleptic fit.*_

"Well, Mr. Rimmer. Even though you were the strongest link in the last round, you've been kicked to the curb with the rest of the garbage. You are the _Weak_estLink. Goodbye." 

_*Backstage*_

"They only voted me off because they hate me! It's a conspiracy! I'll get my revenge, don't you worry about old Rimsy-poo!" 



**********

"NO!" 

"WRONG!" 

"Who's the product of a mating between a GELF and a Simulant?" 

"Which one of you has the IQ of three car park attendants?" 

"INCORRECT!" 

"You are the _Weak_estLink. Goodbye." 



**********

"Well, after six rounds, the only two contestants left are Lister and Kryten. They've managed to bank a whopping $15,000 out of a possible $500,000. I don't wish to be rude, but this lot has to be the sorriest excuse for contestants since various members of Star Trek casts were on the show." 

"Well, William Shatner I'm not!" 

"No, you certainly aren't, Lister. He at least managed to get a nice kiss in." 

"Oh really?" 

"Mr. Lister, don't do this..." 

_*Lister flashes a V sign at Kryten and circles the podium to stand next to Anne.*_

"You want a kiss, babe? You got it!" 

_*Lister grabs Anne in a passionate clinch and lays a big sloppy wet one on her.*_



**********

Lister awoke from his upper bunk, thrashing and flailing. He rolled off the bunk and landed in a heaping sprawl, tangled in the sheets. 

"Man, I've kissed some disgusting things in me life, but that one takes the taco! Blech!" 



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_**AN:** Man, I really need to get a better hobby._


End file.
